List Maker

Visual by Rebecca McLaren

I live my life in lists of

1. what

2. to

3. do

4. next

Because if I don’t write something down

I’ll sit and melt into this seat

Stay right here, unravelling

Until my words force me to do otherwise

I promise

5. I

6. don’t

7. want

8. to

Sleep my life away

But I can’t find the effort to keep myself awake

Closing my eyes is much easier

Than seeing black and white and red all over

The girl

9. in

10. the

11. mirror

12. smiles

But I know she’s trapped behind the glass

When I play sweet melodies

They bounce from lifeless skin

And leave my stomach sour for weeks

Exhaustion has

13. caved

14. its

15. way

16. around

My spine

Pushed my shoulders to the ground

And held me hostage to the bad taste in my mouth

(I scrub with my toothbrush every hour)

How can a mind reside in a vessel

17. which

18. sinks

19. so

20. quickly

There are places to go

And people to see

Yet I crave your hands around my waist

When I choose to feel anything at all

I live my life in lists of

21. what

22. to

23. do

24. next

Because if I don’t

I’m unsure if I’ll ever live again

25.